Awful Dream, My Thoughts and My Feeling

i had a very awful dream last night. it is about the one.. i thought.. i loved. no, not really. i don’t think i’m in love with him but seriously, i always think about him every single day. he is my friend who had the same hobby club in college. photography club. i used to be don’t care about him until this day: november, 20th, last year. we got a ride out from surabaya city. and when i looked  at him, standing there with cool face, something inside me feel.. weird. funny feeling. like those butterflies flying inside. well, for the last three days out from the city with him and all the member of that club, we didn’t have a good progress. we still like didn’t care to each other. we still feel like a stranger. but it’s normal because we didn’t have a good conversation or laugh or something that made us close. it’s my fault. but it’s happened because i’m not so sure with my feeling to him, so i abandoned it.

well, the real reason is i don’t want to repeat my fault over and over again. you know what i mean? when i started to announced that “i love you” to the one i loved, he will started to get away. refuse to talk. reject all the interaction. and it is very very horrible. i mean, what’s wrong with trying to be a little bit honest? i’m just trying to be honest but every single guy i knew, most guy, will get away. they did it because they didn’t want to bring a fake hope to the girl he didn’t love. well, it’s your rights, then. but, do it with a gentle, not with “refusing” and “throw face”  and make the girl who loved you feel totally not worth. she will hurt and something bad will happened... broken, sad, crying, hopeless, and so on, dragging to the conclusion that she is not worth to anyone else.

it’s not a simple thing, dude. some people even got a depression or even suicidial. some people also live like they are normal, happy, smiling, but something inside is really really broken and it is hard to heal.

it’s really bad.

well, i’m talking to much and i almost forgot to tell you about the dream. you know, sometimes dreams were so random and unpredictable, weird and odd mostly. some people would never take this serious but i did. well, the dream is about him. i was on a place, opened social media from my smartphone and found.. something.. really.. really.. bad. it’s the picture. about him. he.. he kissed a girl i didn’t knew. the girl were attractive, using hijab with a bright skin. she is pretty (when i compared to myself). and he kissed her in a public place. oh god, that’s disgusting. they did it so well. like they are in love to each other and don’t care about what people said. they looked so intimate. they looked really close and passionate. they looked on fire. it’s hot. they looked like they were knowing each other forever. and i am just the outsider who feel a huge jealousy. the only thing i could do just look at them with a loser face. i mean, who i am?

            it’s not easy for me. i can’t accepted that even it’s only happened in my dream. it’s affected my life in whole day. it’s the reason why i wrote this. an emotional and little bit depressed diary. i don’t know why i’m overthinking this.

            “do you loved him?”

            when you asked that question, i would put a something i called “not-really-serious-but-it-is-serious-but-i-didn’t-know-how-to-answer”.

            i am really not so sure he’s the one.

            i didn’t even know him inside, for god sake!

            but why i’m overthinking him? is it because he looked attractive? did i liked him just because his physical attraction? it’s really really shallow and stupid i think. it’s not me. i used to be like the inner beauty, good humor sense or smart talk. a good vision about his life and about the world. a bravery. the one who love books and read a lot. the one who care about education and equality among the others. the one who don’t feel superior to woman and accepted the gender equality and diversity. the one who love helping people. a hand full of dreams to change the world. know what he want, what he need and how to achieve it. an ambitious person but still down to earth.

            it’s what we called with: inner sexiness.

            sexy isn’t always about physical, right? most of people nowadays forgot it. they already in love with phyisical attraction and everything cute outside, but don’t seems to care about the inside. i mean, you will get into a serious relationship, one day, do you? how could the physical attraction helps you to solve the relationship problems? get it?

            but, what more ironic is.. i trapped into my own double standard. i like him from his physical sexiness on a first glance. but, after a help he offered to me, it changed slowly, and i took more respect to him. he deserved that.

            i started to recalled my own quote that i wrote last week: “how could i called this love when all i did is just doing a small talk and small interaction?”

            yeah, how could i?

            but, the base question of this, is: “is he will read my bubbling-babbling and whining like this? how many percent he will read this and thought this is serious?”

            i think he knew that i had a blog, but i am not sure he will open this and read.

            better be talk in front of him.

            but, back to the beginning, I’M NOT REALLY SURE WITH THIS FEELING.

            but, but again... i want him. i really do.

credits photo: http://images5.fanpop.com/image/photos/31500000/Key-love-31501490-1440-900.jpg