A Little Chit-Chat with Mom

During Eid Fitr holiday, I’m a less busy than the ordinary day. Sure, probably some of you know that I’m doing part-time job and study in college at the same time. Usually, I had a class at morning until afternoon, then went to office until late night. Around 22.00-24.00 p.m, I went home, feeling pretty wasted. On holiday, I sleep more than usually, and I feel the joy on it. It’s like a freedoom. I mean, temporary freedoom because within few days, I’ve go to work and college again. Damn.

            I wrote this on second day of Eid Fitr (26th June, 2017). I’ve just re-watched Legally Blonde movie (for the 3 or 4 times, I guess) and feeling confused because I don’t know what to do. So, I went to TV Room, and met my mother, watching  a movie. Then, the conversation begin...

            “I’m hungry,” I said, sat down beside her.

            “Then go out and buy some food. Buy for me too.” my mom replied.

         “I actually don’t want to eat, but my body screaming,” I said. “I don’t want to gain weight again. It’s enough.”

            Then, I remembered something. “I’ve just watched picture, when I was in highschool. Using purple kebaya, brown jarik and tosca wedges, I looked slimmer than now. I feel guilty.”

I'm slimmer back then. I'm fucking hate myself

            “I know. You were 70 kilos, back then, right?”

            “No. I guess around 80-85 kilos, but I see the difference than now.” I replied.

            “You know what? I’m tired to remind you to control yourself. When you were in highschool, you only eat few spoons of rice, and you lossed your weight. It’s actually pretty succesfull.” she said.

            “Yeah. I’m worthless human being who has a lack of self-control. I’m a mess.” I said.

            “It’s because you are stubborn.” she mocked me.

            “I actually feeling well with my body, I accepted all my flaws, until I realized that my weight made me hard to hike mountains.”

            “I know.”

            “I see the difference when the first time hiking on Mt. Penanggungan, May 2015 and the last time hiking the same mountain on January 2017. My breathing is terrible and I’m easy to tired now.” I said.

            “Yeah, before you start hike, you should exercise. And you are not that discipline for jogging.” she said.

            “I know...” I realized my fault. I’m the laziest bitch on earth.

            And then, the topic changed.

            “I’m tired after went to Sidoarjo with motorcycle.” she said, talking about last afternoon when we went to Sidoarjo to ‘halal bi halal’ with family. “I’m not as strong as before.”

             “It’s quite different with December 2014. We went to Malang with motorcycle and you were fine.”

            “It’s because my body getting weak after the disease,” she said.

            And then she told me story. The day when she went to hospital really often. Around 2015 to 2016. I actually know, but I just shut my mouth up and listen to her.

            “It was really hurt, when your backbones being drilled, for finding a blood sample. Way more hurt than giving birth to a baby.” she said.

            “No, no, I don’t want to hear that.” I feel scary as hell, imagine it’s happen to myself.

            “My blood cells as not normal as other people. The hemoglobins always stuck in 9, while the normal person HB is around 12,5 to 15.” she said. “That’s why I’m easy to tired.”

            “I know.”  I said, softly.

            And the topic changed again.

“You know Mbak xxx ? The one who famous as promiscuous girl? Sure you know about her bad repurtation.”

“Tell me more.”

“When she was in junior highschool, the police caught her doing sex party with older man. It’s written on newspaper too! She’s having sex in a such as young age, with different man. Until now. And she said, she don’t know who is the father of her baby now. It’s because she slept with another man, not only with her husband.”

“OMG, seriously?”

“I feel sorry for her. It’s because her family too. When she was child, her father usually abused her. If she made mistake, her father grabbed her head and hit in on the wall. It brings trauma on her. That’s why she feeling uncomfortable with her family and finding pleasure outside.”

I still listening.

“Not only promiscuous, she also caught for doing criminal and drugs. When she was high and don’t have money for buying drugs, she usually hurt her arms and lick her own blood.”

“Oh my God...”

“It’s real story. She told me everything. She is really honest and open to me,” said my mom.

“You know, mom. I don’t blame her for doing that. It’s like a runaway from her family who didn’t give her enough support and affection. It’s not entirely all her fault. Family support and affection are matters for the child mental health.”

“I think so.”

“Why people decided to have kids, but they ended up not giving their child love and affection? And abused their own children? Then, why they decided have child, if they are not prepare enough? Having child is hard.”

“I don’t know.”

“Maybe because society pushed someone who already married to having children as soon as possible. Without considering the parents, are they prepare enough to raise child or not.” I said.

“Yeah, as you know. Our society usually bitching about other people bussiness. They asked, when will you graduate? When will you marry? And, when will you having child? When will you having second child? And so on.”

“It’s including you, mom. You usually asking woman, when she will having child, or why she is not pregnant. Without you realize, it’s giving her pressure and stress. It’s called social pressure.”

“I’m just doing small talks,” she said.

“Yeah, but it makes her feeling bad about herself. It’s like, she should have baby after marriage as soon as possible. If the people having baby but neglect and abused their children, better they don’t have children at all, until they ready. We need to stop bitching about other people bussiness.”

Silent.

“Yeah, parents should be treating their child good. Not using insult or physical punishment if their children doing mistakes,” she finally said.

“Agree. Better they don’t have children at all. They don’t deserve having children. Every child is a blessing from God, we must raised them right.”

“Yeah.”

“You know, I’m kinda different with another girls out there. Ordinary girls have a dream to marry in a young age and having children immidiately. And, here I am. I can’t stand with the big responsibility like that.”

“It’s because you want to chasing your dream. Be educated and have a good career. It’s okay.” my mom said.

“I just can’t stand being somebody else’s wife, doing such housework and take care of babies. It’s really huge responsibility and I’m not ready for that.”

“Everyone have choice, so do you.”

“Yeah. I can’t even imagine myself in that situation. Scary.”

It’s better not thinking about marriage or having baby, than destroy it and make it messed up. Well, sure we have choice, right? Someday I will changed mind, if I’m ready enough to take higher responsibility, but not now.