I Gently Put My Love Down

As a normal human being, love is something you can’t control. It’s unpredictable. It could happen to everyone. You can fall in love with someone you will never expected before, with a lot of reason (or no reason at all, it depends). You can fall easily because someone’s physical appearance, from the way they treat you or from how many times you spend time together with them. It works in a very mysterious way.

For the 20 years in my life, of course I’ve been experience a lot of love. But, I failed in most of time. I failed not because I treat my partner wrong, but because (almost) nobody is stay with me. You know, it’s just platonic love and something never happen. Most of them are just simply crush and easy to forget, some of them are love, but I’ve been in love deeply with someone. And... I’ve been told him that I loved him in a text, last 2014. And, again, ironically, I failed.

My love journey was never an easy path. Maybe simply because I’m not physically attractive. I know I’m not as pretty and slim as other girl outside. I didn’t fit in the beauty standards. I didn’t born with good looking face, and I failed to keep my body stay in ideal weight. But I do have something more than just physical appearance. But, again, for society, physical appearance is matters, for them: pretty is priority, they don’t care about another else. Like, about how brave and intelligent you are. Or about the manners and attitude you have. Or about how strong you are to facing the problems.

Well, enough about whining.

So, the last time I loved someone, it’s just few months ago. It didn’t turned out to be fire or passionate. It’s just a smooth one. I know him on the first month but love come along in the third month. Yes, it’s not impulsive. It’s not spontaneous or love in first sight. It’s slowly build by the time. By the interaction we build day by day. By the time we spend together.

But again, I failed.

Life is choose their own way. So do my story. It ends so fast, even before I sure about my own feeling and told him that I loved him. The one I loved who already find somebody out there. The first time I know, I didn’t mad at all. I know it will happen someday. I know I will never be chosen. I just swipe my screen and smile. In that time, I realized that I should be walk away. I packed my bag and go. Let’s say, he’s not created for me, so why should I sad? Life throw me away, for the hundreds time.

I already accepted my fate. I gently put my love down. I put in the safe room, not throwing away from the window.

So, I put the key and lock the door. I leave the building, going to somewhere.

And I will never look back.