THE WAY YOU DRESS DOESN'T DETERMINE WHO YOU ARE

I argued with my friend (no need to mention the name for his privacy) last morning. But I really need to write about it, because the topic is really important to discuss. So I want to make sure everything is clear. This is not about the judgement about him as a person (trying to avoid ad hominem here), but about the way he think and see something. I don't want to ruin my friendship because friendship is above everything (unless it about crime or something, nah it's different cases). Above all, we're already mature, right? No matter how hard the debate is not going to affect me. I'm grown up woman.

You are still my friend, bruh. After all this storm, I hope it doesn't impact us.

So.. Here we go. It started from him first. He made an Instastory on his Instagram. It's about comparation between a girl he called slut (in implicit way) with a fried chicken with price ten thousands rupiah. He said, how cheap the girl (from the way she dressed) and even the food (with price IDR 10.000) is more expensive than her. I'm shocked about his judgemental opinion.

And then I said, "I hope you are talking about food, not about slut shaming,"

He replied, "My opinion was the second one" (with laugh emoji)

"Please don't do that" I said.

And then the conversation getting more intense. Both of us have different point of view. He believed that the way women dress determine her attitudes. If she dress appropriate, she deserves a respect from him. But if she dress inappropriate, she doesn't deserve a respect.

"Who can respect you, if you don't respect yourself?" he said.

Oh, suddenly I remember about India feminist activist, Kamla Bhasin. She said, "If woman gets raped, society will blame her. Society think she already lost her honour. My question is, who puts woman honour on her vagina? If woman get raped, the one should blame is the rapist, not the victim. The rapist doesn't deserve a respect, because their lack of attitude control."

Same as honour, respect gain from attitude, not from the dress people wear.

For the details, he doesn't like a girl who dress 'slutty'. Show clothes that revealing her breasts to public, which is make him uncomfortable. And he said, a girl like this doesn't deserve a respect. Contrary, he also said, “I actually don’t care whatever dress you wear.” But if we comeback to his statement, ‘Legs and breasts in fast food chains with price IDR 10.000 are more expensive than her’ I think he has contrary statement.

How can you get those immature thoughts?

Yes, this is slut shaming. And it's a typical product of patriarchy system.

People tend to blame for clothes you wear

To be honest, I'm mad. But I'm trying to explain my thoughts without emotion.

Actually, someone could get internalized patriarchy system without realized. Patriarchy teachs you to put woman position below a man. In patriarchy system, woman teached to be submissive and obedient. If you’re not, you’re breaking the rule and people will judge you. Not only control attitudes and morals, but patriarchy also control about physical appearance of woman. And value a woman based from the way she dress, is also product of patriarchy system. Oh, and also, patriarchy system is way more complex than this. I believed in patriarchy, both gender are being victim. I will give the example in the next post.

"Women should be dress appropriately to be respect by society"

Well, it's her body. Not yours, not society. And the way she dress explain her identity. You want piercing? Go on. You want tatto? Just do it. You want to wear burqa? It's all your choice. You want to cut your hair short? Go for it. No one can intervene.

But, sometimes a stereotype comes along with attributes on your body. Girl with a piercing? She must be a bad girl. Girl wearing short clothes? She must be not virgin anymore. Girl using burqa? She must be extrimist and radical. Girl cut her hair short? She must be a lesbian. And so on.

Not only woman who get stereotype and judgement, but also man. Man using pink clothes? People will ask, "Are you gay?" or when a man have tattoes on his body, people considering him as a criminal. What if men crying to show his emotion? People will called him as a weak and unmanly. Discrimination happens in both gender.

But, how do you value a person from the dress they wear? Are you know  the person deeply? Or you just a stranger who judge people based on their appearance? And, who the hell are you giving some harsh comment like that? Let people enjoy their lives. Let them happy with their identity. As long as it's not criminal or danger other people lives, then go for it.

Yea, I do respect his beliefs. Our point of view could be different. But, posting harsh comment on social media was another case, even if you don't mention the name. It could spreads negativity, right?

Well, if you feel uncomfortable seeing woman with the way she dress, just put your eyes on the other side. Simply, don't look at her. You have option to not looking, or looking. It’s all yours. But, intervene choice and judge them are different things.

Have you ever heard about body positive? It’s about celebrating our body, in all shapes. It’s about accept who we are. And in this case, revealing certain body parts is also way to doing body positive. And if you want to cover yourself, it’s also your choice. You have choice to not show your body to public, so you put long skirts and hijab for example. I really appreciate this kind of idealism too.

Yesterday, in Media, Gender and Identity class, my lecture, Ms. Kandi Aryani talked about visual pleasure and voyeurism. She asked us, "If someone use certain kinds of clothes draw people attention, then who should be blame?"

She explain more, "Both of them, person who dress and people who see it, are not wrong. People can dress to identify theirselves, no one should intervene. And people can see, they have eyes, right?" Both of them should control theirselves, for not disturb and annoy each others.

And I believe, human is more than their body organs & their appearance. You are worthy, just ignore what people say about you. Don’t let them control you.

Closing statement: We are more than just body organs. We can't make generalization just from physical appearance. You can't say if the clothes too revealing, then she must be the bad girl or she can't appreciate herself. Clothes just the way to identify ourselves and it's not determine our self worth. We have a self-worth and it's accumulation of all the componen of ourselves. Attitudes, behavior, interaction to each other. Trying to be more empatic and not judgmental. At least, if you don't like, you can put your eyes to the other side.

Credit picture: Urbanette & Jezebel