First Day Back to the College : Gloomy All Day

After a long holiday, I came back today (29/2) as a fourth semester college student. I’m not excited to get along again in study, I don’t know why. Last semester, I still remember that I begin the day with happiness and I even said to myself: “Come on, I can’t wait for today, I’m so excited! I would be very serious and study hard to increase my GPA.”

And, I prove my words. My GPA has increase on third semester.

            Today? I think, I had enough. I’m bored and I will kill myself after suffer for this feeling. Waiting for my good mood back. At least, I need something, or someone, to bring back my mood into a normal condition. I want to meet someone so bad. Someone that I always think every single day. But.. I know, I would never meet this guy on my major or my faculty. The only place I will meet with him... On the student center, on the same hobby club as I am.

Awful Dream, My Thoughts and My Feeling

i had a very awful dream last night. it is about the one.. i thought.. i loved. no, not really. i don’t think i’m in love with him but seriously, i always think about him every single day. he is my friend who had the same hobby club in college. photography club. i used to be don’t care about him until this day: november, 20th, last year. we got a ride out from surabaya city. and when i looked  at him, standing there with cool face, something inside me feel.. weird. funny feeling. like those butterflies flying inside. well, for the last three days out from the city with him and all the member of that club, we didn’t have a good progress. we still like didn’t care to each other. we still feel like a stranger. but it’s normal because we didn’t have a good conversation or laugh or something that made us close. it’s my fault. but it’s happened because i’m not so sure with my feeling to him, so i abandoned it.

well, the real reason is i don’t want to repeat my fault over and over again. you know what i mean? when i started to announced that “i love you” to the one i loved, he will started to get away. refuse to talk. reject all the interaction. and it is very very horrible. i mean, what’s wrong with trying to be a little bit honest? i’m just trying to be honest but every single guy i knew, most guy, will get away. they did it because they didn’t want to bring a fake hope to the girl he didn’t love. well, it’s your rights, then. but, do it with a gentle, not with “refusing” and “throw face”  and make the girl who loved you feel totally not worth. she will hurt and something bad will happened... broken, sad, crying, hopeless, and so on, dragging to the conclusion that she is not worth to anyone else.

Antara Aku, Hottie dan Vokalis Fall Out Boy

Ini aneh.

            Mungkin hanya kombinasi dari segala hal random yang berbaur menjadi satu. Ketika lagu itu, “Dance-Dance” dari Fall Out Boy diputar, akhir November lalu diatas kendaraan yang berderap-derap melaju dalam pekat malam, aku merasa ada yang janggal. Lagu dengan irama yang menghentak, bersemangat dan penuh energi, dengan lantunan suara dari vokalisnya yang bernada tinggi, serak namun bertenaga, menjadi magis ketika aku menatap sosoknya.

            Lagi-lagi sosok laki-laki.

            Begitu klise memang. Tapi ini bukan soal perasaan. Tidak ada urusannya dengan itu. Perasaanku bahkan sudah hampir mati, direnggut paksa oleh sosok yang pernah hadir dalam hidupku selama tiga tahun lebih. Membuatku tak ingin mencoba-cobanya lagi. Terlalu sakit untuk diingat. Terlalu pedih untuk dikenang.

Words I Couldn’t Say

Did you ever had a experience like I did?

            You want to being close with someone. A man. Let say you like him. Talk with him, laugh at every single thing, reveals one-another secret, deep talk or something to state how close you and him. But you had no chance to getting into his life. What would you say? What would you do?